Brady and Elsa
Content Warning: These stories are about violence, abuse, neglect and exploitation and may include references to suicide or self-harming behaviours. They may contain graphic descriptions and strong language and may be distressing. Some narratives may be about First Nations people who have passed away. If you need support, please see Contact & support.
‘Even after finally revealing to my family about the long history of abuse, none of them talked about reporting it or confronting my ex-husband.’
Elsa told the Royal Commission her ex-husband abused her and their son Brady for more than a decade.
Brady is in his mid-20s and has physical and mild cognitive disabilities and significant communication difficulties.
Elsa said she feels ashamed and disgusted she didn’t do more to protect Brady. If her ex-husband had treated any of the other children the way he treated Brady she would have done more. ‘I somehow justified it, that looking after my son could be stressful and frustrating, maybe he didn’t mean to be rough, maybe my son did something to trigger it.’
It was only after leaving the relationship Elsa realised her ex-husband’s actions were calculated and deliberate. ‘And for that I really struggle to forgive myself that I didn’t have him charged.’
She said there were many factors that enabled the abuse to continue for so long. The lack of support – emotional, financial and physical – while not an excuse, was a contributor.
Elsa tried to leave the marriage many times – one time after her husband threatened to kill her. She had no money and knew it would be difficult financially. A social worker found her and the children, who were all under 10 at the time, somewhere to live. But Elsa couldn’t find work and discovered she wasn’t eligible for any home help. After six weeks she realised, ‘I couldn’t do it on my own.’ She returned to her husband.
Another time, after what she described as ‘a particular scary incident of abuse’ she went to the police station to get an apprehended violence order (AVO). There was no privacy – the police officer interviewed her over the counter in reception. The officer told her if she lodged a request for an AVO her husband would be charged and jailed. The officer asked if that was what she really wanted.
‘Due to my husband’s mental health issues, I didn’t think him being jailed would be the best thing for any of us … I asked if there was any other option. She said no. So I left the police station with nothing and returned home.’
When Elsa was finally able to leave, most of her children were adults.
‘Although there are very clear guidelines about child support from divorced parents, there is nothing regulated about having to support an adult child with a disability,’ said Elsa. Her husband is on a large salary and she is on a low salary and she has no legal recourse for financial support for Brady.
‘My lawyers chose not to mention the history of abuse in the settlement proceedings because they said it could prove that my husband doesn’t have a relationship with my son, so wouldn’t have to pay any ongoing support.’ He has agreed to short-term limited support but can stop at any time.
Brady is now living in supported independent living accommodation. He is easily triggered and can get very distressed. Elsa has been able to find excellent counselling support for herself but has had difficulty finding someone to support Brady. ‘I’ve struggled to find a counsellor experienced in supporting people with a mixture of physical and some cognitive disability plus very significant communication difficulties.’
Elsa also remains concerned about her ex-husband visiting Brady and doesn’t believe the appropriate safety supports are in place. Her ex-husband has denied the abuse and Elsa has seen reports that have been changed to him ‘accidentally doing something’ to Brady.
‘I hope one day, attitudes and supports will change so domestic violence and abuse of people with a disability, will be considered as serious as all domestic violence and abuse – no excuses or mitigating circumstances used to reduce the severity of the crime. And I hope in future people with disabilities who have experienced trauma will have the same access to appropriate, well trained support as everyone else.’
Elsa also wants financial support for carers, ‘something that makes it financially viable to leave an abusive relationship’.
Disclaimer: This is the story of a person who shared their personal experience with the Royal Commission into Violence, Abuse, Neglect and Exploitation of People with Disability through a submission or private session. The names in this story are pseudonyms. The person who shared this experience was not a witness and their account is not evidence. They did not take an oath or affirmation before providing the story. Nothing in this story constitutes a finding of the Royal Commission. Any views expressed are those of the person who shared their experience, not of the Royal Commission.