Emmeline

‘Getting help was the worst decision of my life.’

Five years ago, Emmeline, then late 20s, had a ‘big mental breakdown’. She told the Royal Commission she attributed her breakdown to the death of two of her babies – one died during labour and one was stillborn.

Emmeline developed insomnia and anxiety. She started experiencing flashbacks of her babies’ deaths and had auditory hallucinations. She also had flashbacks about her own childhood abuse. Over time the hallucinations became more frequent and intense and Emmeline feared she ‘had died’ or ‘was going to die’.

Emmeline, supported by her husband Saxon, went to a local mental health service hoping to receive therapy and ‘strategies for the flashbacks’. She explained her symptoms to the psychiatrist and was clear she ‘wasn’t suicidal’ but ‘really tormented’. After about 15 minutes, a nurse handed her some medication. She wouldn’t say what it was and Emmaline refused to take it.

The psychiatrist told Emmeline she had psychotic depression and placed her under an involuntary treatment order (ITO). He threatened to call police if she didn’t take the medication. Emmeline and Saxon were ‘so shocked’. Emmeline wasn’t ‘violent or threatening’ and couldn’t understand why the psychiatrist was talking about the police. Saxon told her to ‘just take the medication’ so she could ‘get out of there’.

After several weeks of taking the medication Emmeline was still experiencing the flashbacks, felt groggy and had gained a substantial amount of weight.

‘I began to argue that my treatment just seemed extreme, and harmful.’

The psychiatrist decided she had borderline personality disorder.

Emmeline asked for a second opinion but the psychiatrist told her it ‘does not work like that’. He said he no longer ‘trusted her’ to take the medication orally. From then on, four staff members would hold her down and forcibly inject her.

‘Afterwards, I just cried like a baby.’

She felt incredibly isolated, powerless and hopeless.

Over the next five months Emmeline was hospitalised involuntarily several times.

‘I was hospitalised for missing an appointment at the clinic or refusing to speak about my symptoms, such as hearing voices. They said because I wasn't being honest about my psychosis, they couldn't trust that I was safe.’

In hospital Emmeline wasn’t allowed to participate in any group programs and had to spend the entire day in her room with no access to her phone or other belongings. Her mental health deteriorated further and the isolation made the voices in her head louder.

Emmeline began to feel unsafe. ‘I received quite a few sexual remarks, like being asked for sex.’ She asked nurses to lock her door at night but they told her if she was anxious, take antianxiety medication.

One night a male nurse accused her of hiding her phone and searched her.

‘He started to touch my breasts, go under my clothes. And I realised it was becoming sexual. I began trying to push him off me … and he began to hit me.’

Emmeline tried to find a lawyer to help her challenge the ITO. No-one was willing to take her case because they believed, with her diagnosis, there was limited chance of the order being lifted. Emmeline represented herself at a review hearing but was ‘overwhelmed and crying’. The tribunal decided the ITO should be continued ‘indefinitely’.

Despite the possibility of being charged with a criminal offence, Emmeline and Saxon decided to leave the state. They were homeless for several months, terrified police would find them.

Emmeline has now found a psychiatrist she trusts and sees him every week. He has diagnosed her with dissociative disorder, stemming from trauma. He does not believe she has borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia. She no longer takes medication.

Emmeline has also joined a peer support group for mothers who have lost their babies.

‘It's been really good to know other people that have gone through the system and suffered like I have.’